oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
