i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
