if i can run in heels then i can drive
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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