My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
