2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
