I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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