hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
