I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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