im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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