I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
