the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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