The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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