i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
