I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
