At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
