don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize