Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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