for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
