drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
