he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
