He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
