Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
