fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
