his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
