New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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