Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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