I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
