Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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