I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize