I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
