I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
