he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
