i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
