Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize