a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Someone shit on the floor
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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