she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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