that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
