This is not my ceiling
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
3 2 1 whiskey
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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