She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
