I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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