The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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