Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize