Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
