1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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