We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sext me about skeletons
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
