i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so let's talk penis.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
