don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
