Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
