I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
