Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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