my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize