She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
FUCK WHALES
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
