Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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