There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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