Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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