Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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