Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
that may or may not have been my penis.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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