Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
