Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
