two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
