so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
