shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize