i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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