Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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