Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
