Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
